5 Ways to Surrender Frustrations of Living with Invisible Illness
“You look so good! You can’t be as bad as you say. You look perfectly healthy.” “You think you have fatigue? Try working full-time plus having four children! Then you’ll know what chronic fatigue is.” “I think you’re spending too much time thinking about how you feel. You need to just get out more.” “If you really wanted to get well, you’d at least try that juice drink I gave you last week. It won’t hurt to try it.”
And the comments go on. . . and on.
And it hurts.
Nearly 1 in 2 Americans has a chronic illness or physical condition that impacts their daily life. This can include everything from arthritis to cancer, migraines to diabetes, and back pain to fibromyalgia. One of the biggest emotional hurdles for people who suffer from illness is the invisibility of it. About 96% of illness is invisible; meaning the person who suffers from the chronic condition may appear to be a healthy individual, but who actually suffers each day from physical pain. One may never guess the intensity of the pain suffered within the confines of one’s home, as she of he shows no outward signs of physical pain or disability, nor does he or she use an assistive device like a walker or wheelchair
If you have an invisible illness here are 5 tools to help let go of some of the frustrations:
[1] Release people from the expectations you have of them. This will likely be a life-long process, but without taking this step, you will consistently find that people will always disappoint you. No one is perfect, even you! And it’s vital to remember that those with illness do not understand the difficulties that our friends are going through, whether it’s a divorce, the death of a loved one, a loss job, an ill child, etc. Your illness is incredibly significant in your life. And even though people do care, they still will have significant things going on in their own lives. Don’t expect them to always be at your call.
[2] Find supportive, caring friends. If there is someone in your circle of friendships who is constantly belittling you or distrustful about your illness, this should be a relationship to end. If it’s a relative, distance yourself as much as you can. Illness gives us an opportunity to help us prioritize our friendships. With limited energies we should surround ourselves with those who at least can give us the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge our illness exists.
[3] Find joy in your blessings. Rather than thinking about how badly you feel, find ways to bring more joy into your life. Appreciate the little things. Observe what you are doing when you have a burst of unexplained energy and realize that there lies your passion. Focus on bringing more of this into your life. You may not be able to garden like you once did, but you can grow a few potted flowers or hire a neighborhood teenager to plant some vegetables and set up an automatic sprinkler system for them. Or if you want to dream big, start a consulting business for want-to-be gardeners.
[4] Use your aptitude and talent for things you have a personal interest in. Too often we feel like the skills we learned in the workplace are no longer valuable. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to write children’s books or be a business consultant. Get involved in your community and do some volunteer or part-time work to continue to grow professionally. Rather than focusing on what others aren’t doing to comfort you, follow your dreams and give that gift of comfort to yourself.
[5] Encourage someone else. You personally know how hard it is to live with illness and to feel like no one understands. So take time to be vulnerable with someone else who is going through this. Whether you meet someone through an online group such as National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week’s message boards, or through your local support group, volunteer your time and expertise (yes, you’re an expert on living with invisible illness!) and use it to make someone else’s journey easier and you’ll find your own is more enjoyable too. Are you frustrated that no one at your church thinks your invisible illness is real? Rather than stop going to church, find ways to educate them, such as a column in the church newsletter or brochures about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. These say what to say/not to say to a chronically ill person.
None of us have the capability to force another person to change, or to make them care. But we can educate them and give gentle advice. We must also continue to work on ourselves, however, because you will find that even when you want to change it can be a real challenge. It requires discipline and motivation for a better life. You owe it to yourself to find joy despite your illness, and by focusing on how you can change your circumstances, instead of change other people, you’ll be much more rewarded.
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