Encouraging the Chronically Ill Moms in Your Playgroup
Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the park, birthday parties with streamers, and gymnastics classes. All of these provide the perfect opportunity for mothers to let their little ones burn some energy as well as share in their latest challenges. As the amount of women who live with chronic illnesses such as diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis, continues to grow, however, so does the ability to always participate in these spontaneous mommy moments.
For example, according to the National Fibromyalgia Association, fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide suffer with FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. I recently attended an adoptive mom’s playgroup and within this niche group, three out of the six of us had chronic illnesses. Being aware of a friend’s limitations and challenges, acknowledging them, and just asking questions, can make a huge impact in their ability to participate and feel comfortable with their peers.
[1]. Find out the best times of day for play-dates or activities. This will vary from season to season (weather and heat can affect it a great deal); and it also is different from one illness to another. For example, for some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others they aren’t moving or out of PJs before the clock strikes noon.
[2] Be understanding if she has to cancel, rather than bombarding her with guilt. Coping with a chronic illness means that every day is unpredictable. Last week I did nothing other than take a step and my knee locked up for four days. I did all the heat and ice therapies, took extra medication and tried not to complain. But all my plans were cancelled with no advance warning.
[3] Communicate with her that you understand she has some limitations. So ask “How far are you comfortable walking today?” and try to accommodate. A two-block walk to the park may seem like miles for her and the few stairs may be impossible. I won’t even take escalators any more with my poor knees, so take the elevator with her. Don’t run ahead of her, unless you are chasing your kids (or hers!) and understand she may need to sit down on a bench for a few minutes to rest, even after walking just one-hundred feet. Standing can also be hard, so even if the carousel line looks like a ten minute weight, she may need for you to stand in line and then let her jump in at the last minute.
[4] Show some interest in what she deals with but ask politely. For example, say, “What is your greatest challenge?” Avoid sharing with her about the many cures you’ve heard about on TV and in the magazines for her illness; don’t try to sell her products from your trunk that will cure here overnight; and don’t think that it will encourage her to hear about your mother’s cousin’s sister who has the same illness but still manages to raise four children and work a midnight shirt at the local hospital because she “refuses to give in her illness.”
[5] Be aware of simple things that may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, you may want to ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot; she may not be able to sit on the ground so bring a few lawn chairs so she isn’t the only one two feet above the rest of your friends. She will likely be limited in her sun-exposure. She may not be able to carry as much picnic items as you can from the car. While you don’t want to make her feel helpless, nor does she want you to make a big deal out of it, just be aware that she may need some extra considerations.
[6] Don’t presume that she can watch your children diligently, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Taking care of kids is exhausting and caring for her own may be draining the little strength she had left. Plus, if your kids are run out into the street, keep in mind that she may not physically be able to sprint after them as fast as you could.
[7] Plan things that she can participate in. Even though you may think nothing of inviting her to your stroller exercise group, and mommy and me aerobics classes, these are not likely options for her. Discover what kinds of things she likes to do and then see if you can join her. And don’t try to set a record for the longest outing. Keep the activities under three hours or at least let her know that she’s welcome to go whenever she wants. You may like six hours watching the elephants, but she’s going to need to get home and recover from the outing. Don’t try to encourage her to stay longer by saying “A little more exercise might really help you feel better!”
[8] Lastly, tell her what every mom longs to hear: “I don’t know how you do it. I really admire your perseverance and strength. You’re my hero.
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